I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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