So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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