He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
