Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
