I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
