I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
