Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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