Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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