I wish I could teleport
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
