seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
