thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
