I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
