there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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