i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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