Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
