I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
