So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
