that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
