If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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