I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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