The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
