I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
