This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Soap is not a condiment
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
