I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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