does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
