we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
