i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
