my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
