I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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