lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
FUCK WHALES
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