No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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