i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
