why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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