Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
