My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
