Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
