Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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