ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
