like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
