Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
