Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
