I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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