I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
