I think I won the penis lottery.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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