@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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