I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
