no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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