Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
