my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
