Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
