i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
