Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
