if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
