Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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